If you’re reading this, the apocalypse has likely passed and society has not collapsed. But if you’re like me, you’ve already sold your stocks, cancelled your cable and grafted a chainsaw onto your arm in preparation for the oncoming Zombie invasion. Thus, I have compiled this useful list to restore hope to my apocalyptic readers. By Itzamná’s hat, your canned goods will not go to waste! Even if our earth wasn’t shaken by a 2012 cataclysm, life will still go on and there will be many more bright apocalypses in the future, such as…
Kenton’s 2021 apocalypse
Many handsome people were convinced that the world would end in 1988. Kenton Beshore was one of them. However, unlike most, he did not lose hope after the fateful day had passed. Bravely putting aside the fact that using equations to predict the rapture had never worked in the history of time, he decided to make his own apocalyptic formula revised from the 1988 one. His final estimation was “2021 at the latest” which is good enough for me.
Dixon’s 2020 apocalypse
It takes a lot of gall to predict your apocalypse only a year before someone else’s. Jeane Dixon’s prediction was technically the first but really, she should have seen it coming. Dixon is mostly famous for predicting that a president would be assassinated only eight years before JFK was. It takes a mighty fine prophet to predict something eight years in advance, right? Any vagueness is just par for the course with such postponed clairvoyance. She also predicted that in 2020 Jesus would rise again and fight it out with an unholy trinity. It should be noted that she actually predicted two apocalypses, or apocali, as they are called in the doomsday community. Many years ago, she predicted that February 4, 1962 was a good candidate for the end of the world. According to Wikipedia, that didn’t happen.
Weinland’s 2013 apocalypse
You may have heard of Ronald Weinland, founder of the “Church of God Preparing for the Kingdom of God”, the man who makes an apocalyptic prediction every year. He has made, revised and revoked predictions constantly since 2008 notably one for Jesus’ return on Tuesday May 27, 2012. After the predicted day passed, he admitted his mistake and went on with his life… for about two weeks, that is, when he declared that the apocalypse had indeed begun and that it will seem like everything is normal until May 19, 2013 when his previous prediction will finally come to pass. This man is an awesome guy for us apocalypse buffs. Not only are his predictions constant but they are also current. Remember this, readers: every prediction he gets wrong increases the chances of the next one being correct!
– By Liam