The End of the Star Wars Universe: A Reckoning


Years ago, when the Mayans designed their calendar they made the decision to end at 2012 as opposed to continuing forever. Now, for us normal people, this simply means recycling our outdated Mayan calendars, but for the crazies, this is a sure sign of Armageddon.

But are they really crazy?

All the signs in recent years point toward something big — from the haunting witchcraft which is Cleverbot to the sudden decrease in Pixar’s film quality. As car commercials have told us, a great revelation is coming.  And at last the final piece has fallen into place, the piece that proves the horsemen are not only at our door but have brought champagne:  George Lucas has sold Star wars to the Disney legion, the most wretched hive of scum and villainy.

At this point, you probably believe that all hope is lost, you hug your parents and release your pets for you know that reality would not dare to let this tragic excuse for a physical plane trudge on any longer. You, the reader, now cling to your printed youth newspaper hoping for some form of guidance, someone to show you which path to take home. I can unfortunately not tell you. The best I can do is archive where we first went astray. Most people will immediately think “Jar-jar” or even “Ewoks” but Star Wars has in fact been doomed from nearly the get-go. I am, of course, talking about The Star Wars Christmas Holiday Special.

The Star Wars ‘Holiday’ Special was released a year after the first film as a made for TV movie. The whole thing is completely unwatchable. Despite this, I encourage you to watch it.  Much like the Spaceballs TV show, you will lose all love for Star Wars after watching the special. The movie is structured like a variety show with much of the cast popping in for short cameos. It’s mere existence is probably George Lucas’s one regret. The whole film can be found on YouTube. I once again encourage you to watch it, if only to spare yourself from the forthcoming Armageddon. Put down the newspaper, go watch it, there: Star Wars is ruined.

Alternatively, we could stop being so melodramatic. The new Star Wars movie’s screenplay will be written by the writer of Little Miss Sunshine and Toy Story 3.  I mean, everyone thought Pirates of the Caribbean would bomb, but that movie was great. Could it be that Star Wars may just carry on after all?

Only if we can survive the sequel every two years.

– By Liam